Recently, my husband and I were in rather heated disagreement over some bit of trivia or other. Not happy with the conversation, I excused myself to find some busywork as distraction. In only minutes, my husband came to me, wrapped his burly arms around me, and asked in a sweet, gravelly voice, “What's the matter with us? Why do we argue over nothing?” Well, that's all I needed to hear, the love in his voice and his gesture, and I found myself apologizing for being unpleasant. His apology followed with complete sincerity, and we were restored to harmony once more.


In the days before I admitted how much I enjoy the masculine feminine power dynamic we experience, I felt such overwhelming frustration, which often led to hostility. That aggressiveness has left me, and both my husband and I communicate much more amicably, even when in disagreement with one another.

As two intelligent human beings, we're bound to have differing opinions, but it feels like a gift to have finally found the key to expressing those differences respectfully to one another. I think we're both much more eager to please each other than we've ever been before.


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Marriage and Stages

We don't "fight about nothing" much any more. Also, for the most part, our fights have always been above the belt. That is they were about the issue and not personal attacks. I believe people can withstand conflict when it doesn't degenerate into nastiness and sniping.

There remains one issue that is major but we don't fight about it often, mostly because I push it under the rug. I believe that being taken in hand would not in any sense make this issue go away. Being held won't make it go away either because it is a real need I have that is not being met.

Unmet Needs

Developing deeper trust takes time, of course. Even in marriages of many decades, there can remain secret desires; wishes shelved for one reason or another; and unmet needs.

Communication seems to require daily practice in order to remain an effective tool. In my case, I think I've discovered that yesterday's epiphany often fades with the light of a new day, and what I thought I'd mastered, I'd only dabbled in. I suppose there are needs within that I may never find myself willing to discuss. I hope that's not the case, but it could well be.

I wish you success in uncovering your own needs, Pat, and of sharing them with your husband. I've only read a few of your posts, and am not sure what draws you to this site. It sounds as though you have no interest in or desire for the type of relationship we are discussing here. My impression could well be wrong, as I'm often wrong or confused.

I must agree with Noone on the importance of hugs. They may not illuminate, elucidate or reveal inner truths; but they sure do feel wonderful.

Serious Discussion

Amerbritwife, serious discussion draws me here even though the lifestyle doesn't. I am interested in erotic spanking but so frequently the discussions on those sites turn into nothing more than the brats sticking out their tongues while the Tops roll up their sleeves. That is a sweeping generalization and oversimplifies things but I guess I have grown weary of that aspect of it.

As for my needs I know exactly what they are and I have communicated them many times without much result. The alternatives are to split up and get it met elsewhere, sweep it under the rug, or row about it constantly. I've swept it under the rug much of the time but it's hard to make it stay there.

Noone, this is so true. I am a very private and closed person. My husband is the only one I have ever opened to. Still not fully, but more than any other person on the planet and honestly, I didn't even realize I was doing it.

I am not a touchy, feely person, my husband is. He is always touching me in some way, not sexually, just his hand on my back, my leg, etc. I get into these very closed moods where I say I want to be left alone. All my life when I've said this, that's just what happened, I was left alone. My husband said..."Tough crap I will never leave you alone!" It's at these times when he will just come over to me and hold me.

Yes, still today I will fight him, try to push him away and he will hold me tighter. I try to push him away, he doesn't let me and I find that being in his arms is truly what I want but I won't ask for it. I am always left feeling better and loving him more.

Nothing melts my heart more than when I am having a bad day and he is not here and he will say..."Close your eyes baby, I am holding you very tightly." Instantly I feel better and melt into his arms when he does get home.